What to talk about on a first date: questions that don't feel like an interview

Most first-date nerves come down to one worry: what if we run out of things to say? The good news is that you don't need a script. A few good questions, real curiosity and the calm to let a pause be just a pause will carry almost any conversation.

Before you go, look at what you already know

You're not meeting a stranger. You've already chatted, and you've seen their profile. Spend two minutes before the date rereading your conversation and choose two or three threads to pick up again:

• a trip they mentioned, a new job, a pet, a hobby they've just started;
• a story they promised to tell you "in person";
• something you both laughed about.

"How are the pottery classes going — have you had the second lesson yet?" is a perfect opener. It shows you listened, and it's easy to answer.

On YADate, also look at the "Questions" section of their profile. Answers marked "Same as yours" are ready-made topics, and the badges under "About me" — whether they're a morning person, how they feel about travel or pets — often lead to a good story.

Start with something light

The first ten or fifteen minutes are for settling in. Nobody expects deep thoughts while you're still choosing a drink. Easy starters work best:

• "Have you come straight from work? How was your day?"
• "Do you come here often? What would you recommend?"
• "How was the journey — was the traffic as bad as usual?"

These questions don't have to be fascinating. They give you both time to relax and get used to each other's voice.

Questions that get people talking

The trick is to ask open questions — ones that can't be answered with "yes" or "no". "Do you like your job?" ends in one word. "What part of your job would you miss if you left tomorrow?" starts a story.

A few ideas, from easy to more personal. You don't need all of them: two or three are usually enough to get things going.

Everyday life

• What does a really good weekend look like for you?
• Where in town would you take a friend who's visiting for the first time?
• What are you looking forward to at the moment?

Interests

• How did you get into [their hobby]? Do you remember the moment it clicked?
• What's the last book, series or project you got completely absorbed in?
• Is there something you've always wanted to learn but haven't got round to yet?

Stories

• What's the best trip you've ever taken — and what made it so good?
• What did you want to be when you were a kid?
• What small thing can always improve your day?

A little deeper, if the conversation is flowing

• What matters most to you in the people you spend time with?
• What's something you've changed your mind about in the last few years?
• What would you like the next year to bring?

The second question matters more than the first

The secret of an easy conversation isn't a long list of questions. It's the follow-up. When the other person answers, pick up a detail: "Wait — you went on that trip on your own? What was that like?" A follow-up shows that you're listening rather than waiting for your turn to speak.

Share things about yourself too. A good rule of thumb: if you notice you've asked three questions in a row, tell a short story of your own. A date is a conversation, not a job interview, and the other person wants to get to know you as well.

Topics to save for later

None of these are forbidden. They're just easier to talk about once you know each other a little:

• Exes in detail. If you're asked, a short, calm answer is enough: "We were married for eight years and parted on good terms."
• Money and salaries. Talking about what you love spending on is fine; questions about income aren't first-date material.
• Heated debates. If politics or religion matter to you, you can ask what's important to the other person without trying to win an argument.
• Health problems and family conflicts. Keep them for when there's more trust between you.
• Complaints about dating. Stories about bad dates and endless chats rarely make a good impression.

Saying in general terms what you're looking for is fine and even helpful. "I'm hoping to find something long-term" is honest without putting pressure on anyone.

When a pause comes

Pauses happen on every date, including the good ones. A few seconds of silence feel much longer to you than to the other person. Take a sip of your drink, look around and comment on something nearby, or go back to an earlier thread: "Your sister lives in Lisbon, doesn't she? Do you visit her often?"

Honesty helps too: "To be honest, I'm a little nervous." Most people relax when they hear this, because they usually feel the same.

Signs the conversation is going well

• Time passes faster than you expected.
• They ask you questions too and pick up on your stories.
• You laugh together about something small.
• One of you says "we should…" — try that café, watch that film, go to that market.

If the conversation was a little stiff, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Nerves get in the way for many people, and a second meeting is often much easier than the first.

A good first-date conversation isn't a performance. It's two people being curious about each other.

Still choosing a place? Read our first date ideas. And when the date is over, After the first date will help with what comes next.