Dating as a single parent: what to share and when to introduce the kids

Dating when you have children isn't the same as dating before them. There's less time, less patience for games, and there are people in your life who didn't choose any of this. That's no reason to stay alone. It's a reason to go a little slower, be clear from the start and keep your children apart from your dating life until someone has earned a place in it.

How to tell you're ready

There's no correct number of months after a separation, but a few honest signs help. You're probably ready if:

• you can talk about the breakup without it taking over the evening;
• you want to meet someone for who they are, not to fill a gap or to show your ex you've moved on;
• your children's routine has settled after the changes;
• you can spend a few hours away from home without feeling guilty the whole time.

If most of this sounds like you, start small, and if it turns out to be too soon, stop for a while.

Say that you have children

Children aren't a secret to reveal on the third date. Mentioning them from the start saves everyone time and brings you people who are comfortable with family life.

On YADate the "Children" field in your profile does most of the work. Choose "Yes, they live with me" or "Yes, they don't live with me", whichever is closer to your usual week, and under "Wants children" say whether you'd like more. In other profiles, "Don't want, but my partner may have" means someone doesn't plan children of their own but is fine with yours. On the Dating for single parents page you'll find members whose profiles say they have children.

In "About me", one plain sentence is enough: "My two keep me busy most weekends, so I'm easier to catch on a weekday." There's no need to apologise for having children or little time.

Keep your children's details private

Your profile is read by people you haven't met yet. Let your children appear in a sentence, not in your photos or details:

• no photos with your children in them, even from behind, cropped or with their faces hidden;
• check the background of your own photos for a school logo, a house number or a street sign;
• no names, birthdays or the name of their school, nursery or club, in your profile or in early messages;
• keep your address and your children's daily routine to yourself until you've met someone and trust them.

Questions about your kids are usually just friendly, and you can answer warmly without details: "My eldest is seven and talks about dinosaurs all day."

In a small town, it's also worth turning on "Hide distance" in the privacy settings.

Fitting dates around childcare

Plan around the childcare you actually have: school hours, the days the children spend with their other parent, an evening when a grandparent can help. A lunch or a weekday walk is often easier than a late dinner, and it keeps a first date short.

Say early on when you can usually meet: "Weekday lunches and the odd Saturday work best for me." Telling someone when you're available is fine. Telling them when and where your children are is a different thing.

A short call before you meet, in whichever app you both use, can save you an evening and a babysitter's fee if there's no spark. Once the other person has replied, YADate also lets you send voice messages of up to a minute, which is often quicker than typing.

Plans will sometimes fall through. Say so honestly and suggest another time: "Sorry, my little one has a temperature — could we move to Thursday?" Someone who sulks about it has told you something useful.

On the date itself, the usual habits apply: a busy public place, your own way there and back, and a friend who knows where you are. There's more in our first date ideas.

What to say about your ex

There's no rule about when to bring up an ex, and at first one calm sentence is enough: "We separated a few years ago and share the children's care — we get on fine as parents." If it still hurts, you can say so: "It's been a difficult couple of years. I'll tell you more once we know each other better."

Who was to blame, money, custody arrangements and court details can wait, and some of it never needs telling. The first dates are about the two of you.

If you share the children's care, their other parent stays part of your life, and a good partner accepts that. Notice, too, how your date talks about their own exes: respect, even for a difficult one, is a good sign.

When to introduce a partner to your children

Usually later than you'd like. Children get attached quickly, and every introduction that ends in a breakup is a loss for them too. Wait until the relationship is steady: you've been together for months rather than weeks, you've talked about what you both want, and you know the basics — where this person lives, what they do, how they treat people. A "casual" afternoon in the park with the kids along is still an introduction, so keep the children out of the early dates.

When the time comes:

1. Talk to your children first, in words that suit their age, and let them ask questions.
2. If you share their care, it's usually kinder to tell the other parent before the children meet someone new.
3. Keep the first meeting short and low-key, on neutral ground: a walk or an ice cream, not an overnight stay or a holiday.
4. Let the children set the pace. They don't have to like your partner straight away, and your partner shouldn't try to take a parent's place.

Red flags

Most people who ask about your children are simply being kind. What matters is the pattern. Take care if someone:

• pushes to meet your children early, or offers to babysit or collect them from school before you've properly met;
• asks a lot about the children — names, photos, their school, when they're home alone — and much less about you;
• rushes intimacy: big feelings within days, pressure to come round to your place;
• resents the time you spend with your children or wants you to put them second;
• asks for money, help with a bill, gift cards or a code from a text message, whatever the story.

If something feels off, stop sharing details. Press "Report" in their profile or in the chat, choose "Scam or asks for money" if money came up, and leave "Also block this person" ticked. YADate's moderators check every report, and the person won't know who reported them. If you've already sent money, our article on how to spot a romance scammer explains what to do.

Someone who's right for you will be glad to wait until you and your children are ready. Someone who pushes has already told you what you need to know.